I RAN INTO MY LOVE AND WALKED AWAY


If I could only see the pain that you are feeling... I would stop crying.It seems like a decade since I saw you last. You walked out of my life so very long ago and took my heart and soul along for the ride. I never expected to see those eyes again. To smell you again. To touch you again. I never expected to stop breathing. The sick feeling has subsided now. It has been 4 hours since I bumped into you. The last 4 hours have felt like death. Like fear, Like bleeding. I can remember the last night I was in your arms. It was pouring rain. We were drenched and cold. I was barefoot. You carried me. You turned to me as you walked away and said the words that have lingered inside of my ear lobes ever since. "I love you like the rose loves the sun" and I replied " I love you like the stars love the sky". You blew me the last kiss I would ever receive from you. I remember thinking that we would never be apart.

Never. I was safe. I was warm. I was loved. I never saw you again. You faded away like a black shirt in the sun. You never called. You never spoke to anyone. One small letter from you was all I found the day I looked for you. I thought you were dead. I cried for days. I wondered why. All you wrote was "Katie, I am sorry. I have to leave. It's for the better. I love you like the stars love the sky. Don't you ever doubt that". Your eyes have changed now. They seem elderly. Burned, scorned, angry. Your touch was no longer warm, it made my body shiver. I gasped for air when I saw your face. I thought I would fall to the ground, my legs were like jelly. Your eyes as beautiful as ever yet lifeless. Your smile that turned quickly to a quivering frown. I could see it in your eyes. In the way that you tried to reach for me. I dropped the gallon of milk onto the floor and raced for the door as you screamed " Wait. Please. I am back here for you."

I thought I may have finally moved on and bit the bullet with this man who affected me so much. He affected me in so many positive ways and too many negative ways. He is the man for whom is to blame for my inability to love. He is the man who made all of my dreams come true just to snatch them up from under me. He left me there alone. Never giving me a reason why. For so many years I went sleepless wondering what I had done. Years and years and then there he stands.

I thought my tears had gone for good. I wasn't aware that my eyes could cry. I wasn't aware that the love that I once had for him was still there burning and as I looked into his eyes after all of this time, it boiled over and I went numb. I couldn't speak. I just stood there with tears welling over my eyes like a fountain. As his lips started to quiver... I knew. But this time it was me who walked away. I thought about this moment for almost 10 years. I played it out over and over in my head. I had so many things I wanted to say to him and there was my chance and I blew it. I froze. I freaked.

My heart feels like it did the day I knew he was never coming back. I will never be the same. I am so terrified of loving and being loved. It scares me. It haunts me. It hurts me. If I could only see the pain he is feeling inside. If it is even a small part of what I am feeling, maybe I could rest.

Why did he come back? Where has he been all of this time? Why did he leave me without saying goodbye? Why did he ever claim he loved me? I can't believe this just happened to me. I can't.

Written by Katie

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