None But Jesus

In the quiet, in the stillness
I know that You are God
In the secret of Your presence
I know there I am restored
When You call I won't refuse
Each new day again I'll choose

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

In the chaos, in confusion
I know You're Sovereign still
In the moment of my weakness
You give me grace to do Your will
So when You call I won't delay
This my song through all my days

There is no one else for me
None but Jesus
Crucified to set me free
Now I live to bring Him praise

All my delight is in You Lord
All of my hope, all of my strength
All my delight is in You Lord Forevermore

--Hillsong

In Loving Memory

Dear Momma Bear,

I forgot how wonderful and fulfilling it was to call you that. I miss you. Not one day goes by where I do not think of you. Something, as small and subtle as it may be, always pops in to my head and reminds me of you. If it's not that, it's a dream I have the night before. They feel so real. And it hurts to wake up to the knowledge that you're not there. It hurts to think about my future. And no matter how hard I try to fit you into my equation, the result is always the same. You're gone. And there is nothing I can do about it. No amount of tears will bring you back. No amount of sadness will bring you back. And no amount of dreaming will bring you back. No one dream is long enough to enjoy your company. And no one memory is happy enough to stop my hurt.




And now that my life is starting to unfold, I can't help but to feel a big void in my heart. I needed you to be here. I needed you to see me graduate. I needed you to see me grow. I needed you to see my happiness. I needed you to meet your future son in law. I needed to know that you were going to be there like you promised you were. I needed you to fight death itself.

You were always so strong. You were so selfless. You were always so full of love. You were always full of faith. Faith that could shake the foundations of death. Faith, love and strength that brought life to even the darkest of moments.



Which is why I don't understand why you gave up. Why you let death win. You battled death once and you overcame it with your faith. I feel so cheated. And yes, I'm still angry. I need you to guide me more than ever now. I need you to talk me through my engagement. I need you to be there when I try my dress on. I need you to be at my wedding. I need to see your amazing smile. I need to know that you're proud of my accomplishments. Because everyday that goes by I feel like I'm forgetting your face. Your voice. Your smile. Your embrace. You.

Dear Momma Bear,

If you visit my dream tonight, will you please sing with me?

I love you. And I miss you so much.

Answer

This song is for those who feel alone
And for those who can't seem to find no love
Only those who stay awake at night and just cry
Some of you just want to run away and just hide

There is an answer for you
This song is for you

Maybe you've been very badly hurt
Some of you have been bruised right in the church
Remember not to put your trust in man
Only God alone will understand
What you going through going through

God cares
He cares

Good loves you & you're never alone with his love
He loves you & you don't have you cry with his love
God loves you & you don't have to hurt with his love
He loves you & you don't have to hide with his love
God loves you you have a reason to live now
He loves you now you can throw all those pills out

There is an answer for you

Jesus cares for you



--Tye Tribbett & GA

Do not go gentle into that good night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

-Dylan Thomas

Faith

Below is a chat that a friend and I had about Faith and life in general. I figured that this is the only way I am EVER going to blog anything about myself.

Me: how are you guys doing with the whole fire situation?

Friend: we're okay

Friend: it's close by but not that close

Friend: it was real smokey this morning but it's kind of cleared up this afternoon 'cause the breeze picked up

Friend: good for smoke clearing bad for fanning flames

Me: it was 50yards away from Sean's house

Friend: oh yeah i saw that on facebook how scary...they're okay though right?

Me: yea
Me: i called his mom this morning
Me: shes at work
Me: and luckily his brother has the day off in case something DOES happen
Me: he can help evacuate

Friend: oh good

Me: "he can help his dad evacuate
Me: yea
Me: Thank God!

Friend: amen

Me: i prayed for them last night
Me: i know what it's like to loose a home due to a fire
Me: it sucks

Friend: oh gosh i'll bet

Friend: i can't imagine

Me: yea it sucks
Me: it happened to us when i was in middle school
Me: our downstairs neighbor's kids was playing with matches and hairspray

Friend: oh man that sucks

Me: yea
Me: the worst part is that no one even came to warn us
Me: it seems like all our neighbors warned each other
Me: except us

Friend: oh man

Friend: no way

Me: it wasn't until my dad heard a window break downstairs that he went over to our window and realized that there was smoke all around
Me: yea
Me: we had alot of smoke damage
Me: my mom was church secretary then
Me: and she was getting ready to go to a staff meeting (church money in hand)
Me: before my dad yelled to run out of the house
Me: we didn't take anything
Me: my mom left all of that stuff on her bed in her bedroom
Me: and she was so devastated
Me: and i remember her crying and telling me, what hurts the most is that that was God's money.
Me: i could care less about my belongings...but that belonged to God
Me: Well the firemen came and put the fire out
Me: miraculously, my parents' room was untouched
Me: not even any smoke damage
Me: all other bedrooms were damaged
Me: there was no sign of ever being a fire in her bedroom
Me: if that was God then I don't know what it was!
Me: God is so awesome!

Friend: wow

Friend: that is incredible

Friend: AMEN!!

Friend: that is sooooo cool

Me: i remember that happening another time
Me: once, when we were kids, and when my dad used to be a pastor
Me: we went to visit a couple from church
Me: we had gone grocery shopping and since we were in the neighborhood, my parents decided to check in on them
Me: while inside their house, we heard a loud bang
Me: and we ran outside to find our van on fire
Me: My parents were devastated because we were really tight on money
Me: and the money we did have we had JUST spent it on groceries

Me: well, the guy we were visiting to his hose out (omg it had NO pressure at all!)
Me: might as well have been throwing cups of water on the fire!
Me: anyway, the firemen came, put the fire out
Me: everything inside the van burned
Me: all our food, jackets, etc..
Me: everything but my dad's bible
Me: that he left on the dashboard
Me: he still has it to this day

Friend: oh wow

Friend: that's incredible

Me: yea...i've seen alot growing up

Friend: no kidding

Me: my parents were/are very spirit filled
Me: and i am ALWAYS amazed at how much faith they have
Me: they have been through alot--spiritually
Me: and God has always come through for us

Friend: that is so awesome

Me: this might put you over the edge
Me: and I'm not sure If I've told you his before or not
Me: but their faith brought my little sister back to life
Me: she was born dead
Me: my mom gave birth to a dead baby
Me: (she had eaten her feces in the womb and that cloged her arteires and respiratory tubes)
Me: she was dead for17 hours
Me: (not to mention how long she had been dead in the womb)
Me: but my parents didn't give up
Me: they prayed in their pain
Me: and out of no where
Me: my sister came back to life
Me: the doctors had run a series of tests on her before hand
Me: and could not find a way of cleaning her blood stream
Me: when the nurse saw her move her finger
Me: he alerted the doctor
Me: who came in and ran more tests
Me: and her blood was COMPLETELY clean

Friend: oh my gosh!!!!!

Me: the doctor said that it was a miracle
Me: but
Me: he also said that even though she survived, she would be in a vegitated state for the rest of her life
Me: or
Me: that she would be mentally challenged and disabled
Me: my parents refused to believe that
Me: my sister is 20 years old now
Me: and she is my best friend!
Me: I think you met her once
Me: I brought her into the office with me one day (i was leaving early to go to a concert with her)

Friend: oh man

Friend: that is so awesome

Friend: praise the LORD

Me: the only thing wrong with her is that upon birth the doctor yanke her out (she was already dead) because my mom was hemorrhaging
Me: and in doing so he dislocated her shoulder

Friend: oh wow, so it probably pops out easily huh

Me: well he never popped it back in
Me: it healed like that
Me: but now she's not able to stretch out her right arm completely
Me: Going through all of this, growing up the way I did,
Me: there is no doubt in my heart that God does not exist
Me: He has showed himself to us over and over again

Friend: that is so cool

Me: and I am in absolute AWE of the faith my parents had

Friend: i know what you mean

Friend: yeah seriously

Me: The devil has always attached our family
Me: in one way or another

Me: I mean, the very accident that we all survived
Me: we're not supposed to be alive
Me: yet my older brother and i came out with out a scratch

Friend: that’s incredible

Me: I've done alot of thinking about my mom
Me: and i was so angry with God for her death
Me: but God showed me that we were all living through her faith
Me: that it was her faith in God that was pushing us along
Me: And God showed me that we had to learn on our own
Me: that we had held on too long to her faith

Friend: oh wow

Friend: that's amazing

Friend: really amazing

Me: Yea, he had to take all of us through the desert so that we could personally find him
Me: yea
Me: and it's been quite a journey for all of us
Me: every one of us has found a different strength

Friend: yeah no kidding oh my gosh

Me: Recently i've also realized that I haven't allowed myself to heal

Friend: from your mom?

Me: yea
Me: its been so hard for me
[

Friend: i'm so sorry

Me: in a sense, i ran away from it

Friend: i can't imagine losing someone like that

Me: i think that's why i moved up here
Me: so that I would be away from "all of that"

Friend: yeah

Me: And I find that I keep running

Friend: kind of distance yourself from it

Me: not facing it emotionally
Me: or spiritually
Me: yea exactly
Me: and that has caused me to shut my self in
Me: i'm too afraid to open up
Me: no, that's not it
Me: i just don't want that pain to resurface
Me: to be honest with you
Me: I think I'm still depressed about it

Friend: i don't blame you

Me: Sometimes I feel this heaviness oh my heart
Me: *in

Friend: those are the times that i think God is trying to get us to lean on Him

Me: and I feel SO lonely

Friend: He's been teaching me for some time now to rely on Him and really really really trust in His Grace and Love for me

Friend: i've had a strange view of God for a while

Friend: like He's waiting for me to mess up and smack me or to take something away from me after giving it to me

Friend: but He's not a mean God. He loves us more than we can ever know and He wants nothing but the best for us

Friend: He has such a different view than we do 'cause He sees the entire picture

Friend: when i get nervous about that stuff, i start reverting back to almost a legalistic relationship with Him, trying to word things right when I pray, or do stuff just right instead of just opening up to Him and trusting my self to Him completely

Friend: He's been working with me on that a lot and it sounds like you too

Friend: He wants us to trust Him

Friend: He wants us to know that we CAN trust Him with EVERYTHING

Me: I think the hardest part is struggling with myself
Me: yes, i agree, sometimes that whole "legalistic" mindset comes back to me

Friend: right, like you need to tell God wha'ts going on and word things just right so He gets it or we feel like we have to act a certain way or do something in a certain way to win His favor

Friend: that's not the personal relationship He wants with us

Friend: He wants us to be completely intimate with Him with every part of our hearts

Friend: to just rely on Him and trust in Him

Friend: it's so hard to do sometimes

Friend: but i think that's where faith comes in

Me: its so hard though

Friend: i know what you mean

Friend: but i think that is also where we need to lean on Him more

Me: and i know some people may get upset

Friend: and ask Him to help us trust in Him

Me: or roll their eyes
Me: and think it's been 5 years now, you should be over it
Me: but man, they don't know the type of relationship i had with my mom

Friend: well anyone that says that doesn't know what they're talking about

Me: and what she meant to me physically, but much more spiritually
Me: I think my spirit is broken along with my heart
Me: and that's where the whole "spiritual anchor" comes in to play

Friend: i'm so sorry

Me: where God has been teaching me to find him on my own
Me: but i feel that i'm forgetting my mom in the process
Me: and I don't want to forget
Me: that's all i have

Friend: yeah, that's a difficult process 'cause when we have parents that have faith, we tend to lean on that

Friend: and we need to learn to trust in Him for Him, not our parents

Friend: oh you won't forget your mom

Friend: your relationship with God will just be yours, not yours through your mom's faith

Me: i know
Me: it just has such an emotional tie
Me: im battling depression
Me: i denied her death the first year
Me: I was in school
Me: and i focused on school for 2 years
Me: then I focused on my job
Me: and when I didn't have anything else to do, it all sank in
Me: so I ran

Friend: yeah, that is rough

Me: i moved out of my dad's house
Me: then i moved up here
Me: and it was good at first
Me: because i was focused on my new job
Me: new location
Me: new home
Me: new church

Friend: don't get me wrong i'm not discounting your pain or your mourning for your mom at all....but satan will try to use this against you to keep you from God

Me: but now that the dust has settled, there is her reality again
Me: i know
Me: and he has

Friend: i know what you mean

Me: the first couple of months after her death i didn't think about it

Friend: but one thing you have to keep in mind along the lines of your mom's faith

Me: but then i started having nightmares about her appearing
Me: and haunting me

Friend: oh wow

Friend: one thing you have to keep in mind though.....

Me: it was awful
Me: he got me where it hurt the most

Friend: is that your mom had a very strong faith in God and taught you kids that belief as well

Friend: and she would want your faith in God to grow and for you to have your own relationship with Him

Friend: what God is guiding you to is exactly what your mom would want you to do

Friend: she would want nothing more than for you to rest in the grace and mercy of Jesus and allow Him to complete His work in your life

Me: Thank you Friend
Me: I thank God for you
Me: i really do
Me: you are an awesome friend
Me: and a great spiritual advisor

Friend: to tell you the truth, i pray that God will guide my words 'cause by myself i don't have a clue what i'm talking about

Friend: haha

Me: and i pray that God continue to use you in that ministry

Friend: aww thanks

Friend: i never really thought of it that way

Friend: we always get so hooked up on the thought of ministry as a guy behind a pulpit

Friend: but I guess God has opportunities for us all to be in "ministry" in one way or another

Me: well, everyone walks in the light of their fire
Me: exactly

Friend: haha that's a cool way of saying it

Friend: you're a great friend

Me: i don't need a label to tell me that i'm a worshiper

Friend: amen

Friend: you know.....by you putting your faith in God and living for Him, your mom's faith is in a way living on through you because she taught you about God and now He is showing you the way He wants you to walk

Me: there's a song i really like that goes: You put a song in my heart. Rhythm in my step. Praise as my garment for the spirit of heaviness. You gave me beauty for ashes, joy for my pain. Love overwhelming cause me to say, you made me glad."

Friend:

so in a sense, what she taught you about her faith is being brought to life in your own faith that God is giving you

Friend: if that makes sense

Me: And then it keeps saying "so i will life my hands and lift my voice the way I feel I have no choice. I'm gonna dance and sing and shout for joy and praise your name I will rejoice because you’ve make me glad"

Friend: wow that's cool

Me: that's the ONE thing that i do NOT hold back on
Me: is my praise and worship to God
Me: I may be beat up and broke down
Me: but I will alwasy have worship in my heart

Friend: amen

Me: (just like my mom)

Me: We all have something different that we took away from my mom
Me: my sister has her faith
Me: my little brother has her spiritual wisdom
Me: my older brother has a spiritual warrior
Me: and I have her worshipful heart

Friend: that's awesome

Friend: a verse comes to mind (and i know i need to start reading more too...) Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God

Friend: so our faith will grow as we stay in the word

Friend: which is why the enemy tries to distract us from it so often

Friend: he knows the power of it

Friend: a lot of the times we don't realize that

Me: its true
Me: i think what fueled my parents faith was the fact that they continually confessed God's word
Me: every time they prayed over us they professed God's word

Me: and promises over us

Friend: that's awesome

Friend: the word of God will never return void

Friend: and if your faith is faltering or you're struggling in your walk

Friend: ask God for help

Friend: He will definitely help you

Me: amen

Friend: i think sometimes He allows us to fall so we WILL call out to Him

Me: you know what I just realized?
Me: it's true, i have seen so much growing up
Me: so i know about having unconditional faith in God
Me: and trusting in him (which is why i have a nonchalant attitude sometimes--it bugs Sean haha)
Me: i think the reason i've shut myself in is because i don't EVER want to go through that pain ever again

Friend: haha, but that will help Sean see that your faith is genuine and that there might actually be something to this whole Christianity thing

Friend: haha

Friend: i know what you mean

Me: that whole process was so painful to me

Friend: but you know what, your mom is waiting for you at home....you will see her again some day

Friend: and she'll be happy that you kept seeking after God

Me: im SO scared of loosing someone and hurting that much again
Me: and that's why i run from the pain

Friend: i know what you mean....something we have to learn though is we can't live in fear of what if

Me: and looking back at my childhood

Friend: as your faith grows it will destroy your fears

Friend: because you'll begin to realize how much God is really in control of everything

Friend: and you have nothing to fear at all

Friend: 'cause as long as you're seeking Him, He's got you in the palm of His hand

Me: Yea God taught me alot about having faith
Me: But i was never prepared for something like this

Friend: i don't think anyone ever is

Me: and that is why i struggle with depression

Friend: not even when they know its going to happen

Me: i know, but i mean, some people are stronger than others
Me: my little brother is one of them
Me: and you know what?
Me: God knew

Friend: that's true

Me: about 2 weeks before our accident
Me: we played at a church (my family was a band)
Me: and when we were done
Me: a girl came up to my mom and started complimenting our band
Me: and saying how God used us to bless her
Me: etc

Me: and she asked her what my name was and my mom told her: Elizabeth
Me: and the girl paused
Me: almost in shock
Me: and asked, really?
Me: and my mom said "yes."
Me: apparently, God had spoken to this girl
Me: and told her to pray for an "Elizabeth"
Me: and she told my mom that when God asked her to pray
Me: that she was confused because she didn’t know an Elizabeth and had never met one until that day
Me: so she was very eager to meet me in person
Me: and who wouldve thought it was going to be that day
Me: God prepared her, for ME
Me: He had people praying for me that I had never met in my life

Friend: wwwooooooowwww

Me: because he knew the struggle i was going to have
Me: again, that was about 2 weeks before our accident

Friend: that is amazing

Me: and you know what, THAT is what angered me the most

Friend: i can see that

Me: everything that led up to that day seemed like it was planned
Me: everything
Me: the "goodbyes"
Me: the "prayers"
Me: the phone number i wrote down on my palm instead of putting it in my phone
Me: i was angry because everything was orchestrated
Me: and i lost my mom as a result of it

Friend: you know.....

Friend: there's a mystery in all that and it seems to be the way of things

Friend: and i don't think anyone will really understand it until the end

Me: i know...our WHOLE life is orchestrated

Friend: and we may never understand it

Friend: but

Friend: the mystery is in the fact that God doesn't make bad things happen, it's like they either happen as a result of our own choices or because the enemy is causing them to happen but it's like...

Friend: God has the whole thing planned out in harmony with it

Me: well what added more to my anger was the fact that we were going to church!
Me: we were travelling to a church in TX

Friend: it's kind of like the enemy goes to throw a punch here in the present, but God has a counterpunch already set up in the future

Me: it's not like we were on leisure

Friend: right i know what you mean

Me: and that's why i was so angry at God
Me: and i fought with him

Friend: and He knew in advance that was going to happen too

Me: and i prayed like i'd never prayed before

Friend: He's got something planned for you

Friend: and i'm not saying that as a cliche

Friend: i mean seriously

Friend: you personally

Friend: He has something be planned for you that He is preparing you for

Friend: it seems that way anyway

Friend: Romans 8:28 says all things....

Friend: ALL things

Friend: work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose

Friend: that means that anything, even what the enemy meant as a means to break you forever, God is going to use for you

Friend: not against you

Friend: compared to what God sees with a vision of eternity all at once....we're all looking at the trees and we can't see the forest no matter how much we try

Friend: every once in a while we get a glimpse of what the whole picture might look like

Friend: but we don't have a clue

Friend: but God sees your life from beginning to end all at once

Friend: and that's why you can never be defeated as long as you're walking in Christ

Friend: you will get knocked down for sure

Friend: and you have been

Friend: but God is the one fighting

Friend: remember that
Friend: you're not fighting this on your own

Friend: God isn't just "in your corner" as they like to say

Friend: He's out in the ring throwing the punches

Friend: and the enemy doesn't have a chance

Friend: if God is for you......who can be against you

Me: Man, you are awesome! way to put it into perspective
Me: Thank God for you Friend!

Friend: not me, believe me this is not me

Friend: I'm preaching to myself at the same time...God's using this to teach me at the same time, it's weird HAHA

Thank God for friends like these! That remind us that the battle isn't ours, but God's! And that NO weapon formed against us shall prosper.

Chats

Because sometimes you need to talk it out with a friend. This starts off with the types of "religious" conversations I have with my boyfriend. The names have obviously been changed to conceal our awesome, secret, super-hero identities.

Friend: how does the conversation usually go, like what do you guys talk about?

Me: well its small stuff

Me: like yesterday we talked about tattoos
Me: and how when my mom was still alive we all had a mentality that it was a very bad thing to get a tattoo
Me: and then he asked me" well that seems hypocritical given the fact that your dad had a tattoo"
Me: to which i replied: "he got it before he was converted"
Me: and then he said, did your mom convert him
Me: and I said, no, he converted before he met my mom. and my mom was converted before she met my dad.
Me: and then he said: well if tattoos are soo bad, why did Jane (my little sister), Joe (my older brother) get a he get a tattoo?
Me: recently?
Me: and I said its because we had a very "religious" way of thinking when my mom was alive
Me: (i don't know why btw)
Me: but when she passed away, it was as if though we had a totally new mentality
Me: like we were liberated from all that "religious" mindset.
Me: and then he asked, well then why do Christians think its bad to get tattoos?
Me: why did it become a "religious thing"
Me: and I said, theologically speaking, when someone got a tattoo in those days, it was because they were worshiping another god.
Me: and as a sign of worship to that god, they would inscribe symbols--or tattoos on their bodies
Me: and that's why the bible states that you shall not inscribe symbols into your body.
Me: but somewhere along those lines, it was interpreted in a way that ALL tattoos were bad
Me: and that's how that conversation went

Friend: and in the same text it states you shouldn't cut your hair a certain way and so on

Me: exactly!

Friend: it had to do with the worship and the context it was in

Friend: it's all about context

Me: exactly!
Me: and that's how I explained it

Friend: people twist the Bible in all kinds of directions to fit what they want it to say

Friend: good

Me: he seemed content with my answer
Me: im glad we didn't argue about it

Friend: the funny thing is, it sounds like he's getting off on very tedious "religious" details when the message is about salvation from death through Christ

Friend: not about whether you can drink wine or get tattoos

Me: but this is the type of stuff that we discuss (sometimes) when ever we talk about religion
Me: YES!!!

Friend:

that's good, 'cause it opens the door to conversation

Me: yea...the only thing is that he's paranoid that my friends are going to preach at him and he hates the idea

Friend: and sometimes the conversation turns to legalisms rather than what it should be...like a diversion from the main topic

Friend: i've always heard it said that we need to keep the main thing the main thing

Me: exactly
Me: i hate it how people make comments and don't back it up

Friend: so like when it gets that way, spin it back to Jesus...make a point quickly about the topic and then guide it back to what Jesus did for us to save us from ourselves

Me: i went through that phase though...where i used someone else words and spirituality as my own
Me: instead of looking for the answers on my own

Friend: oh believe me i know how that is

Me: and rationalizing them in my own mind

Friend: i've done that and it's really scary

Me: as apposed to someone else opinions

Friend: 'cause you don't want to misrepresent God

Friend: yeah, i know what you mean

Me: yea

Friend: but God always has a way of showing His children (those who are in Christ) when they're wrong without a shadow of a doubt

Me: you know what, i'm going to be completely honest, I had stopped reading my bible for a while and I found myself not being able to answer any questions or counter my Boyfriend's comments--he would stump me.

Friend: yeah i've been there too

Me: But I've been reading every night and even though the thing i read is totally unrelated to things that I would talk to my Boyfriend about on a normal day

Friend: i dont' read it as much as i should, which is every day

Friend: well that's good though

Friend: the Holy Spirit will give you the words, just pray for guidance

Me: i found that God has been empowering me

Friend: that's AWESOME

Me: like I would have NEVER had had that logical tattoo conversation with my Boyfriend had I not been in my word

Friend: and if you don't know the answer or aren't sure....just say that and then look up the answer together

Me: to tell you the truth, i have no idea where that even came from
Me: and how I even responded the way I did

Friend: haha i know what you mean

Friend: and you just know it came from God

Friend: 'cause you're like...how did I know that????

Me: and now that i look back on it, i feel that it was my "Jeremiah" moment and that God put the words in my mouth
Me: and my Boyfriend had nothing else to say about the topic--which is weird cause he ALWAYS has something to say

Friend: LOL

Me: AND ironically, i've been reading Jeremiah this whole month
Me: Thank you Jesus!

Friend: AMEN

Friend: God knows exactly what you need when you need it

Me: yes!!

Friend: i've been learning lately that it's not that we ask Him to be Lord and Savior and then still try to be in control of our lives and wonder if He's going to guide us

Friend: it's that we ask Him to be Lord and Savior in our lives and then trust in Him to guide us completely

Friend: He says that we shouldn't worry and that basically He's in control of everything

Friend: EVERYTHING

Friend: we just need to trust in Him and abide in Him

Friend: that's IT

Friend: He'll guide us through the rest of it

Friend: we just have to submit our will to His

Me: Thanks Friend, honestly, i really needed to hear that

Friend: and ask Him to rule us

Me: my whole life i thought my life/destiny was going in one directly

Friend: we have such a tendency to make things so difficult

Me: direction*
Me: and I always felt that I made a BIG mistake getting in to a relationship with my Boyfriend
Me: and maybe I did
Me: but for the longest time
Me: I felt like I was carrying a HUGE burden
Me: (because i had to step down from my worship team simply for the fact of dating a "non christian")
Me: and then one night, a couple month ago,
Me: i was watching tv and the movie i was watching ended
Me: and then
Me: oh God, i forgot his name
Me: the preacher in texas, with the smile on his face
Me: you know who i'm talking about?

Friend: John Hagee?

Me: no

Friend: oh wait no

Friend: Joel Osteen

Me: he wrote a book
Me: YES!!!!
Me: Joel Osteen came on tv
Me: and i've never been a big fan of him (i think it's cause he's WAY to happy for an average man..) but that's just me

Friend: LOL

Friend: i take what he says with a grain of salt

Friend: i feel like i need to check his message with the Bible more than other preachers HAHA

Friend: but a preacher i listen to, Chuck Missler says...don't trust what I say, always check the Bible

Friend: like the Bereans

Friend: they always checked what Paul preached to them against the Word of God to make sure it was accurate

Friend: they tested everything by the Bible

Friend: didn't mean to interrupt...please continue :-)

Me: i totally feel you! haha
Me: anyway, i usually change the channel when he's one
Me: on
Me: but for some reason, i didn't
Me: i felt that i needed to listen to what he said
Me: and what he said REALLY impacted me
Me: he said that people live theirs lives thinking about their past
Me: and their burdens
Me: and not being able to let go
Me: but the one thing we should know is that God KNEW your life before you did
Me: and that he prepared EVERY step of your way
Me: and that just straight out made me cry
Me: because this whole time i felt like i was carrying a burden

Friend: totally....i know what you men

Friend: mean

Me: much like the lady from the "scarlet letter"
Me: and that no matter how i tried to justify it
Me: or pray or worship, that there was a big "A" (figuratively speaking) in my forehead that I could not get rid of
Me: but when i heard those words, i just cried
Me: because God KNEW that I was going to take this direction in my life
Me: and he made his perfect plan around that
Me: and that lifted that burden

Friend: that's awesome

Me: i mean, i had read that in the bible before, you know?

Friend: it's hard for us to wrap our minds around that even thought we've messed up, God knows all about it and He loves us anyway

Me: and i always applied it to my mom's death
Me: that he knew that she was going to die and such
Me: but Joel really put it into perspective
Me: because i was feeling THAT burden at that very second

Friend: yeah i know what you mean

Friend: and it's so difficult to carry a burden like that

Friend: but Jesus takes that burden away when we repent and give it to Him

Friend: He knows us from beginning to end and through eternity

Friend: there's nothing we can think, do, say, feel that He doesn't know about

Friend: i fail God on a daily basis, not that it excuses it but when I repent, I need to trust in the fact that I am forgiven of that

Friend: 1 John 1-9 says, "If we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

Friend: that's a very important verse to understand

Me: yea, totally
Me: but it's so easy to forget
Me: and being human we hold on to those things

Friend: very easy

Me: and i totally hate myself for it

Friend: yeah, and we think there's not way i'm off the hook for this

Me: because i am forgiven! i am the daughter of the most high God! NOTHING is impossible for him
Me: NOTHING

Friend: i've done things i wish i had never done too. and you start to think that i must have to do something to make up for it

Friend: but we can't make up for it
Friend: if there was a way for us to make it right, Jesus wouldn't have had to go to the cross for us

Me: Wow
Me: what an AWESOME way to put that
Me: because in the end, everyone falls short
Me: But thank God for his continued mercy

Friend: Romans 3:23 is another favorite verse for me

Me: yes!!

Friend: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God but are justified freely by grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

Friend: He really is amazing

Friend: we totally deserve hell because we have sinned against and offended a holy and true and perfect God who loves us and we basically slapped Him in the face

Friend: but He loves us so much that He sent Jesus to die for our sins so we could still be forgiven

Friend: it's not that God is going to send us to hell for being bad, we've sentenced ourselves to death by our sins

Friend: God is offering a way out

Friend: that's the choice we have to make....if we want to continue on our path to destruction that we're already on, or accept His forgiveness through Jesus Christ

Friend: He's not after us to condemn us but to save us

Me: Amen.
Me: There are so many questions in my mind that i cannot process
Me: but in the end, i just think, it's true God works in mysterious ways, and maybe it's better that we don't know this
Me: he has a plan for everything and everyone

Friend: yeah....but still....we do have the free will to choose our own path

Me: regardless of whether or not we understand it or not

Friend: He'll put things in our life to bring us to Him but it's still our decision whether or not to accept Him

Friend: and i think it happens in steps

Me: exactly

Friend: i think in some way He presents the choice to everyone

Friend: and it's up to them whether they want to go with Him or go the way of the world

Friend: it's like we're on a cliff that's crumbilng and He's offering the only way out

Friend: you have to leave all the treasures and stuff you ahve with you on that cliff and give up yourself to be saved

Me: yea

Friend: or you can hold on to what you have on the edge of that cliff for the short time you have left

Friend: and really

Friend: life is way short

Friend: it's so hard to do, but we have to keep an eternal perspective

Friend: look ahead to the real prize of eternity with HIm

Friend: we can get so blinded by the enticements of this world

Friend: and that's not saying we can't enjoy His creation or the people in our lives or the gifts He's given us

Friend: but in a Godly way that brings honor to Him

Friend: and nothing can become more important with Him

Friend: important than* Him

Me: "it's so hard to do, but we have to keep an eternal perspective"
Me: absolutely

What a great way to end a great conversation. I'm so thankful to have a friend like this.