Me: how are you guys doing with the whole fire situation?
Friend: we're okay
Friend: it's close by but not that close
Friend: it was real smokey this morning but it's kind of cleared up this afternoon 'cause the breeze picked up
Friend: good for smoke clearing bad for fanning flames
Me: it was 50yards away from Sean's house
Friend: oh yeah i saw that on facebook how scary...they're okay though right?
Me: yea
Me: i called his mom this morning
Me: shes at work
Me: and luckily his brother has the day off in case something DOES happen
Me: he can help evacuate
Friend: oh good
Me: "he can help his dad evacuate
Me: yea
Me: Thank God!
Friend: amen
Me: i prayed for them last night
Me: i know what it's like to loose a home due to a fire
Me: it sucks
Friend: oh gosh i'll bet
Friend: i can't imagine
Me: yea it sucks
Me: it happened to us when i was in middle school
Me: our downstairs neighbor's kids was playing with matches and hairspray
Friend: oh man that sucks
Me: yea
Me: the worst part is that no one even came to warn us
Me: it seems like all our neighbors warned each other
Me: except us
Friend: oh man
Friend: no way
Me: it wasn't until my dad heard a window break downstairs that he went over to our window and realized that there was smoke all around
Me: yea
Me: we had alot of smoke damage
Me: my mom was church secretary then
Me: and she was getting ready to go to a staff meeting (church money in hand)
Me: before my dad yelled to run out of the house
Me: we didn't take anything
Me: my mom left all of that stuff on her bed in her bedroom
Me: and she was so devastated
Me: and i remember her crying and telling me, what hurts the most is that that was God's money.
Me: i could care less about my belongings...but that belonged to God
Me: Well the firemen came and put the fire out
Me: miraculously, my parents' room was untouched
Me: not even any smoke damage
Me: all other bedrooms were damaged
Me: there was no sign of ever being a fire in her bedroom
Me: if that was God then I don't know what it was!
Me: God is so awesome!
Friend: wow
Friend: that is incredible
Friend: AMEN!!
Friend: that is sooooo cool
Me: i remember that happening another time
Me: once, when we were kids, and when my dad used to be a pastor
Me: we went to visit a couple from church
Me: we had gone grocery shopping and since we were in the neighborhood, my parents decided to check in on them
Me: while inside their house, we heard a loud bang
Me: and we ran outside to find our van on fire
Me: My parents were devastated because we were really tight on money
Me: and the money we did have we had JUST spent it on groceries
Me: well, the guy we were visiting to his hose out (omg it had NO pressure at all!)
Me: might as well have been throwing cups of water on the fire!
Me: anyway, the firemen came, put the fire out
Me: everything inside the van burned
Me: all our food, jackets, etc..
Me: everything but my dad's bible
Me: that he left on the dashboard
Me: he still has it to this day
Friend: oh wow
Friend: that's incredible
Me: yea...i've seen alot growing up
Friend: no kidding
Me: my parents were/are very spirit filled
Me: and i am ALWAYS amazed at how much faith they have
Me: they have been through alot--spiritually
Me: and God has always come through for us
Friend: that is so awesome
Me: this might put you over the edge
Me: and I'm not sure If I've told you his before or not
Me: but their faith brought my little sister back to life
Me: she was born dead
Me: my mom gave birth to a dead baby
Me: (she had eaten her feces in the womb and that cloged her arteires and respiratory tubes)
Me: she was dead for17 hours
Me: (not to mention how long she had been dead in the womb)
Me: but my parents didn't give up
Me: they prayed in their pain
Me: and out of no where
Me: my sister came back to life
Me: the doctors had run a series of tests on her before hand
Me: and could not find a way of cleaning her blood stream
Me: when the nurse saw her move her finger
Me: he alerted the doctor
Me: who came in and ran more tests
Me: and her blood was COMPLETELY clean
Friend: oh my gosh!!!!!
Me: the doctor said that it was a miracle
Me: but
Me: he also said that even though she survived, she would be in a vegitated state for the rest of her life
Me: or
Me: that she would be mentally challenged and disabled
Me: my parents refused to believe that
Me: my sister is 20 years old now
Me: and she is my best friend!
Me: I think you met her once
Me: I brought her into the office with me one day (i was leaving early to go to a concert with her)
Friend: oh man
Friend: that is so awesome
Friend: praise the LORD
Me: the only thing wrong with her is that upon birth the doctor yanke her out (she was already dead) because my mom was hemorrhaging
Me: and in doing so he dislocated her shoulder
Friend: oh wow, so it probably pops out easily huh
Me: well he never popped it back in
Me: it healed like that
Me: but now she's not able to stretch out her right arm completely
Me: Going through all of this, growing up the way I did,
Me: there is no doubt in my heart that God does not exist
Me: He has showed himself to us over and over again
Friend: that is so cool
Me: and I am in absolute AWE of the faith my parents had
Friend: i know what you mean
Friend: yeah seriously
Me: The devil has always attached our family
Me: in one way or another
Me: I mean, the very accident that we all survived
Me: we're not supposed to be alive
Me: yet my older brother and i came out with out a scratch
Friend: that’s incredible
Me: I've done alot of thinking about my mom
Me: and i was so angry with God for her death
Me: but God showed me that we were all living through her faith
Me: that it was her faith in God that was pushing us along
Me: And God showed me that we had to learn on our own
Me: that we had held on too long to her faith
Friend: oh wow
Friend: that's amazing
Friend: really amazing
Me: Yea, he had to take all of us through the desert so that we could personally find him
Me: yea
Me: and it's been quite a journey for all of us
Me: every one of us has found a different strength
Friend: yeah no kidding oh my gosh
Me: Recently i've also realized that I haven't allowed myself to heal
Friend: from your mom?
Me: yea
Me: its been so hard for me
[
Friend: i'm so sorry
Me: in a sense, i ran away from it
Friend: i can't imagine losing someone like that
Me: i think that's why i moved up here
Me: so that I would be away from "all of that"
Friend: yeah
Me: And I find that I keep running
Friend: kind of distance yourself from it
Me: not facing it emotionally
Me: or spiritually
Me: yea exactly
Me: and that has caused me to shut my self in
Me: i'm too afraid to open up
Me: no, that's not it
Me: i just don't want that pain to resurface
Me: to be honest with you
Me: I think I'm still depressed about it
Friend: i don't blame you
Me: Sometimes I feel this heaviness oh my heart
Me: *in
Friend: those are the times that i think God is trying to get us to lean on Him
Me: and I feel SO lonely
Friend: He's been teaching me for some time now to rely on Him and really really really trust in His Grace and Love for me
Friend: i've had a strange view of God for a while
Friend: like He's waiting for me to mess up and smack me or to take something away from me after giving it to me
Friend: but He's not a mean God. He loves us more than we can ever know and He wants nothing but the best for us
Friend: He has such a different view than we do 'cause He sees the entire picture
Friend: when i get nervous about that stuff, i start reverting back to almost a legalistic relationship with Him, trying to word things right when I pray, or do stuff just right instead of just opening up to Him and trusting my self to Him completely
Friend: He's been working with me on that a lot and it sounds like you too
Friend: He wants us to trust Him
Friend: He wants us to know that we CAN trust Him with EVERYTHING
Me: I think the hardest part is struggling with myself
Me: yes, i agree, sometimes that whole "legalistic" mindset comes back to me
Friend: right, like you need to tell God wha'ts going on and word things just right so He gets it or we feel like we have to act a certain way or do something in a certain way to win His favor
Friend: that's not the personal relationship He wants with us
Friend: He wants us to be completely intimate with Him with every part of our hearts
Friend: to just rely on Him and trust in Him
Friend: it's so hard to do sometimes
Friend: but i think that's where faith comes in
Me: its so hard though
Friend: i know what you mean
Friend: but i think that is also where we need to lean on Him more
Me: and i know some people may get upset
Friend: and ask Him to help us trust in Him
Me: or roll their eyes
Me: and think it's been 5 years now, you should be over it
Me: but man, they don't know the type of relationship i had with my mom
Friend: well anyone that says that doesn't know what they're talking about
Me: and what she meant to me physically, but much more spiritually
Me: I think my spirit is broken along with my heart
Me: and that's where the whole "spiritual anchor" comes in to play
Friend: i'm so sorry
Me: where God has been teaching me to find him on my own
Me: but i feel that i'm forgetting my mom in the process
Me: and I don't want to forget
Me: that's all i have
Friend: yeah, that's a difficult process 'cause when we have parents that have faith, we tend to lean on that
Friend: and we need to learn to trust in Him for Him, not our parents
Friend: oh you won't forget your mom
Friend: your relationship with God will just be yours, not yours through your mom's faith
Me: i know
Me: it just has such an emotional tie
Me: im battling depression
Me: i denied her death the first year
Me: I was in school
Me: and i focused on school for 2 years
Me: then I focused on my job
Me: and when I didn't have anything else to do, it all sank in
Me: so I ran
Friend: yeah, that is rough
Me: i moved out of my dad's house
Me: then i moved up here
Me: and it was good at first
Me: because i was focused on my new job
Me: new location
Me: new home
Me: new church
Friend: don't get me wrong i'm not discounting your pain or your mourning for your mom at all....but satan will try to use this against you to keep you from God
Me: but now that the dust has settled, there is her reality again
Me: i know
Me: and he has
Friend: i know what you mean
Me: the first couple of months after her death i didn't think about it
Friend: but one thing you have to keep in mind along the lines of your mom's faith
Me: but then i started having nightmares about her appearing
Me: and haunting me
Friend: oh wow
Friend: one thing you have to keep in mind though.....
Me: it was awful
Me: he got me where it hurt the most
Friend: is that your mom had a very strong faith in God and taught you kids that belief as well
Friend: and she would want your faith in God to grow and for you to have your own relationship with Him
Friend: what God is guiding you to is exactly what your mom would want you to do
Friend: she would want nothing more than for you to rest in the grace and mercy of Jesus and allow Him to complete His work in your life
Me: Thank you Friend
Me: I thank God for you
Me: i really do
Me: you are an awesome friend
Me: and a great spiritual advisor
Friend: to tell you the truth, i pray that God will guide my words 'cause by myself i don't have a clue what i'm talking about
Friend: haha
Me: and i pray that God continue to use you in that ministry
Friend: aww thanks
Friend: i never really thought of it that way
Friend: we always get so hooked up on the thought of ministry as a guy behind a pulpit
Friend: but I guess God has opportunities for us all to be in "ministry" in one way or another
Me: well, everyone walks in the light of their fire
Me: exactly
Friend: haha that's a cool way of saying it
Friend: you're a great friend
Me: i don't need a label to tell me that i'm a worshiper
Friend: amen
Friend: you know.....by you putting your faith in God and living for Him, your mom's faith is in a way living on through you because she taught you about God and now He is showing you the way He wants you to walk
Me: there's a song i really like that goes: You put a song in my heart. Rhythm in my step. Praise as my garment for the spirit of heaviness. You gave me beauty for ashes, joy for my pain. Love overwhelming cause me to say, you made me glad."
Friend:
so in a sense, what she taught you about her faith is being brought to life in your own faith that God is giving you
Friend: if that makes sense
Me: And then it keeps saying "so i will life my hands and lift my voice the way I feel I have no choice. I'm gonna dance and sing and shout for joy and praise your name I will rejoice because you’ve make me glad"
Friend: wow that's cool
Me: that's the ONE thing that i do NOT hold back on
Me: is my praise and worship to God
Me: I may be beat up and broke down
Me: but I will alwasy have worship in my heart
Friend: amen
Me: (just like my mom)
Me: We all have something different that we took away from my mom
Me: my sister has her faith
Me: my little brother has her spiritual wisdom
Me: my older brother has a spiritual warrior
Me: and I have her worshipful heart
Friend: that's awesome
Friend: a verse comes to mind (and i know i need to start reading more too...) Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God
Friend: so our faith will grow as we stay in the word
Friend: which is why the enemy tries to distract us from it so often
Friend: he knows the power of it
Friend: a lot of the times we don't realize that
Me: its true
Me: i think what fueled my parents faith was the fact that they continually confessed God's word
Me: every time they prayed over us they professed God's word
Me: and promises over us
Friend: that's awesome
Friend: the word of God will never return void
Friend: and if your faith is faltering or you're struggling in your walk
Friend: ask God for help
Friend: He will definitely help you
Me: amen
Friend: i think sometimes He allows us to fall so we WILL call out to Him
Me: you know what I just realized?
Me: it's true, i have seen so much growing up
Me: so i know about having unconditional faith in God
Me: and trusting in him (which is why i have a nonchalant attitude sometimes--it bugs Sean haha)
Me: i think the reason i've shut myself in is because i don't EVER want to go through that pain ever again
Friend: haha, but that will help Sean see that your faith is genuine and that there might actually be something to this whole Christianity thing
Friend: haha
Friend: i know what you mean
Me: that whole process was so painful to me
Friend: but you know what, your mom is waiting for you at home....you will see her again some day
Friend: and she'll be happy that you kept seeking after God
Me: im SO scared of loosing someone and hurting that much again
Me: and that's why i run from the pain
Friend: i know what you mean....something we have to learn though is we can't live in fear of what if
Me: and looking back at my childhood
Friend: as your faith grows it will destroy your fears
Friend: because you'll begin to realize how much God is really in control of everything
Friend: and you have nothing to fear at all
Friend: 'cause as long as you're seeking Him, He's got you in the palm of His hand
Me: Yea God taught me alot about having faith
Me: But i was never prepared for something like this
Friend: i don't think anyone ever is
Me: and that is why i struggle with depression
Friend: not even when they know its going to happen
Me: i know, but i mean, some people are stronger than others
Me: my little brother is one of them
Me: and you know what?
Me: God knew
Friend: that's true
Me: about 2 weeks before our accident
Me: we played at a church (my family was a band)
Me: and when we were done
Me: a girl came up to my mom and started complimenting our band
Me: and saying how God used us to bless her
Me: etc
Me: and she asked her what my name was and my mom told her:
Me: and the girl paused
Me: almost in shock
Me: and asked, really?
Me: and my mom said "yes."
Me: apparently, God had spoken to this girl
Me: and told her to pray for an "Elizabeth"
Me: and she told my mom that when God asked her to pray
Me: that she was confused because she didn’t know an Elizabeth and had never met one until that day
Me: so she was very eager to meet me in person
Me: and who wouldve thought it was going to be that day
Me: God prepared her, for ME
Me: He had people praying for me that I had never met in my life
Friend: wwwooooooowwww
Me: because he knew the struggle i was going to have
Me: again, that was about 2 weeks before our accident
Friend: that is amazing
Me: and you know what, THAT is what angered me the most
Friend: i can see that
Me: everything that led up to that day seemed like it was planned
Me: everything
Me: the "goodbyes"
Me: the "prayers"
Me: the phone number i wrote down on my palm instead of putting it in my phone
Me: i was angry because everything was orchestrated
Me: and i lost my mom as a result of it
Friend: you know.....
Friend: there's a mystery in all that and it seems to be the way of things
Friend: and i don't think anyone will really understand it until the end
Me: i know...our WHOLE life is orchestrated
Friend: and we may never understand it
Friend: but
Friend: the mystery is in the fact that God doesn't make bad things happen, it's like they either happen as a result of our own choices or because the enemy is causing them to happen but it's like...
Friend: God has the whole thing planned out in harmony with it
Me: well what added more to my anger was the fact that we were going to church!
Me: we were travelling to a church in TX
Friend: it's kind of like the enemy goes to throw a punch here in the present, but God has a counterpunch already set up in the future
Me: it's not like we were on leisure
Friend: right i know what you mean
Me: and that's why i was so angry at God
Me: and i fought with him
Friend: and He knew in advance that was going to happen too
Me: and i prayed like i'd never prayed before
Friend: He's got something planned for you
Friend: and i'm not saying that as a cliche
Friend: i mean seriously
Friend: you personally
Friend: He has something be planned for you that He is preparing you for
Friend: it seems that way anyway
Friend: Romans 8:28 says all things....
Friend: ALL things
Friend: work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose
Friend: that means that anything, even what the enemy meant as a means to break you forever, God is going to use for you
Friend: not against you
Friend: compared to what God sees with a vision of eternity all at once....we're all looking at the trees and we can't see the forest no matter how much we try
Friend: every once in a while we get a glimpse of what the whole picture might look like
Friend: but we don't have a clue
Friend: but God sees your life from beginning to end all at once
Friend: and that's why you can never be defeated as long as you're walking in Christ
Friend: you will get knocked down for sure
Friend: and you have been
Friend: but God is the one fighting
Friend: remember that
Friend: you're not fighting this on your own
Friend: God isn't just "in your corner" as they like to say
Friend: He's out in the ring throwing the punches
Friend: and the enemy doesn't have a chance
Friend: if God is for you......who can be against you
Me: Man, you are awesome! way to put it into perspective
Me: Thank God for you Friend!
Friend: not me, believe me this is not me
Friend: I'm preaching to myself at the same time...God's using this to teach me at the same time, it's weird HAHA
Thank God for friends like these! That remind us that the battle isn't ours, but God's! And that NO weapon formed against us shall prosper.
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