I'm an outcast

No amount of money is worth the character one seeks in friends. You can tell just who you are by who you surround yourself with...Lucky for me, I don't have any friends.

So I was asked, "Does that makes things easier or harder for you Liz?"

My response: A little bit of both. On one end, I wish I had "close" friends. On the other hand, I feel like I'm bouncing from place to place trying to find myself. I'm an outcast, and that's the truth.

I've never really been able to fit in to a "click." School, work and yes, even church. I've always been an outcast no matter how hard I try to fit in.

School: Well obviously I was a book worm. But I wasn't a total geek who didn't have "friends." I thought I had made long-life friends until the people I considered close purposely lost touch with me after we graduated high school. I don't know why, but life goes on, right? Well it did.

In school, I strove to be better. I didn't want to be another Hispanic statistic who didn't graduate high school or who was a teenage mother. I wanted something better for myself and my future generation (my future family). I wanted to be educated and get out of the "slums" or "projects" as we in the ghetto like to call it. Yes, believe it or not, I didn't not come from a middle-class family, I came from a lower-class family who lived in the projects in a gang banging neighborhood. You know the one's you see in movies that have drive-by's and drugs? Yea, that was me. I didn't want to be like that. I didn't want my kids to grow into this type of environment. I broke my mind from all that "stinking thinking" mentality. The one where people say "this is the way it is and this is the way it's going to continue to be." or "Que sera, sera." "What will be, will be."

That is what made me an outcast in my school. The fact that I decided to be an educated person and the fact that I didn't want to speak that "thug" vocabulary.

Work: Everyone seems to be in their own world and own click. Yea, we are co-workers and work buddies, but aside from that, we never hang out. Why? Because we don't fit in to each others' lives. We are only compatible at work because our work is what binds us. Outside of that, see ya!

Church: I was always cast away because people thought I was a fake. They thought that I conceited and that I thought I was "holier" than anyone else.

The thing that they didn't understand is that church was/is my life. I mean, I really love God. And not just by lips, I mean, I really wholeheartedly love God with every breath and everything in me. He is my life. He has been since I had a conscious awareness of life. And people hated me for that. Because I had a genuine heart of worship and love for God. It's not that I was "holier" or conceited. I just had genuine love that people couldn't stand.

When I was in my "prime years" (16-17) a guy I knew and had grown up with asked me, "Are you going to keep going to church when you grow up? Don't you think you'll get tired of that?"

I used to have a crush on this guy and he used to have a crush on me. After he asked me this question, all my "crush" for him went away. Because, yes, I was going to keep going to church and no, I'm not ever going to get tired of it. That's like asking me if I'm going to keep breathing and if I'm ever going to get tired of breathing.

That made me an outcast. Because I had denied my crush for one of the popular guys at church who the only reason girls liked him was because he had a "bad boy" reputation.

People hated that I was a "goodie two-shoes" and so they cast me out.


I only had two friends: my mom and my sister. My mom is gone and it sucks because she always made everything better no matter what. She was my cheerleader in life. My sister lived/lives up to her name: Ruth - companion. She was my companion and I loved hanging out with her.

But somewhere along the lines, my little brother grew up and now he's a best friend to me. He also lives up to his name: Daniel - humorous, wise, conscientious. Strict in his principles. And that he is. He is so wise beyond his years. I go to him when I need spiritual counsel.


So to answer the question "Does [my not having friends] make things easier or harder...?"

My response: A little bit of both. On one end, I wish I had "close" friends. On the other hand, I feel like I'm bouncing from place to place trying to find myself.

I'm an outcast, and that's the truth.